Paid for by Doug & Jenni, for no reason. Not authorized by any candidate, including Doug and Jenni.
BREAKING: Doug & Jenni still not on any ballot  ★  Campaign denies ordering "the usual," says it is "just what we get"  ★  Omar reportedly "on the floor again"  ★  Marcella at Fat Baby texts Doug: "Did you lose something??"  ★  Finance Chair confirms $0, calls it "a strong number"  ★  Polls show Undecided holding steady at 100%  ★  Jenni's wine remains unavailable to the public
Doug & JenniFOR NOTHING

A Lowcountry that didn't ask for leadership. Getting it anyway.

Doug and Jenni are running. For what, they will let you know. Join the thousands of people who have seen them at the Salty Dog.

We will never email you. We will never do anything.

Doug and Jenni, looking very seriously into the camera at a bar
Official campaign portrait. Taken at a bar. Approved by no one.
As seen at The Salty Dog Fat Baby Marcella's phone Tyler's wedding (regrettably)

Latest poll

Doug & Jenni
0%
Their opponent
n/a
Undecided
100%
Omar
110%
Marcella
"lol"

Margin of error: also 100%. Poll conducted at the Salty Dog and Fat Baby bars. Sample size: whoever was there.

Time until Election Day

Never

Doug and Jenni are not on the ballot. The clock is mostly decorative.

Meet the candidates

Two lifelong residents of wherever they happen to be sitting.

Jenni in heart-shaped sunglasses and a Belize T-shirt, unsmiling
JenniFiery. Unpredictable. Not here to make friends, despite having made friends with every bartender in Beaufort County. Foreign policy experience: owns a T-shirt from Belize. Has threatened to quit politics several times, which is difficult, since she isn't in it. A campaign staffer (dog) is visible in the background. He has not been briefed.
Doug and Jenni in a windy beach selfie, Doug mid-yell
On the campaign trailThe candidates brief the public on hurricane preparedness, October 3. Doug is mid-statement. The rain arrived 23 minutes later, as predicted by the candidates and also by the Weather Channel.
Doug: a record of experience
Doug in 2019, an executive headshot with arms crossed in a gray blazer 2019
Chief Executive Officer. Blazer. Crossed arms. A firm grasp of quarterly targets.
Doug in 2026, yelling into the camera on a windy beach in sunglasses 2026
Candidate for nothing. Sunglasses. Open mouth. A firm grasp of where the Salty Dog is.

Doug has extensive executive experience. He has made a full recovery.

The platform

Doug and Jenni have studied the issues carefully. Here is where they stand.

Campaign headquarters

Every campaign needs a base. Theirs have bars.

FIELD OFFICE #1

The Salty Dog Cafe

Doug and Jenni do not have a campaign office. They have a table. Friends who come along are frequently unsettled by how many people know them there.

  • The staff know their order before they sit down.
  • They have been invited to at least one staff wedding. The invitation is now regretted.
  • They have given at least one staff member a car.
  • Jenni has her own wine there. You may not have any.
FIELD OFFICE #2

Fat Baby Pizza

The candidates' official lunch headquarters and the campaign's primary coaster distribution center. Ask the bartender for one. She will know exactly who you mean.

  • Doug eats lunch here. Often.
  • Marcella, the bartender, is a hot mess. She believes the candidates are also hot messes. All three are correct.
  • Items Doug has left on the bar, as confirmed by text: sunglasses, his mail, his credit card, and something on September 24 that remains unidentified.

Lost and found

The real, unedited text history between the candidate and the Fat Baby bar. Swears bleeped for broadcast standards.

Marcella (Fat Baby)

Jul 24, 2025

I have your sunnies!

Oh yeah!!!! Thank you so much. I was just looking for them

No probs!!! They're behind the bar whenever you wanna come grab them

May 14

Hey!!!!! You forgot your mail!!!!

Hilarious. Thanks. Be right back

Too funny. We're all a buncha hot messes

No [bleep]!

May 18

You left your credit card!!! I'm dying lmao

[Bleep] me

I'm such a dumbass

We're so funny

Sep 24

Did you lose something??

[Bleep] me

Lmao

Actual messages. The campaign regrets nothing except the credit card.

Opposition research

Doug and Jenni have no opponents. So we did the opposition research on them ourselves.

The birthday problem

Doug has screamed "Happy Birthday" at Omar more times than there have been days in Omar's life. Omar falls down laughing every single time. Investigators were unable to determine when Omar's actual birthday is. Doug does not care.

The wedding

Tyler invited Doug and Jenni to his wedding. Sources close to Tyler say he has thought about this decision "every day since." The campaign describes the reception as "a great night." Tyler has declined to describe it at all.

The car

Doug and Jenni gave a member of the Salty Dog staff Jenni's old car. The recipient's name has been withheld at their request. The campaign insists this was "a gift" and "not a bribe," and points out, correctly, that there is nothing to bribe anyone for.

The private reserve

Jenni and her friend Susan Plumber keep their own wine stocked at the bar. It is not on the menu. It is not offered to other customers. When a reporter asked what kind of wine it is, the answer was ██████████.

Gifts and favors disclosure

In the interest of transparency, the campaign has disclosed everything it has ever given anyone at a restaurant.

RecipientItemValueReason
Name withheldJenni's old carOne carNeeded a car
Omar"Happy Birthday!"PricelessUnclear
TylerWedding attendanceTwo guests, one gift, one regretInvited. Tyler would like that noted as a mistake.
Susan PlumberShared custody of the wineClassifiedFriendship
MarcellaSunglasses, mail, one credit card, one unknown itemBehind the barTemporary custody
Everyone else at the barNothing$0Consistent with platform

Finance report

Prepared and certified by our Finance Chair, a licensed financial professional.

$0 $0 $0 Jan Dec Flat, but stable.
Total raised
$0
Total spent
Coasters, TV ads, and an amount at the Salty Dog and Fat Baby that the Finance Chair has asked us not to publish
Growth
0% year over year, which the Finance Chair calls "disciplined"
Disclosure
Past performance is exactly the same as future performance.

The debate

The candidates' only debate so far. Moderated by the Campaign Manager. Transcript lightly edited.

HUDSON: Candidates, the first question. Where are we going for dinner?

JENNI: I'm open to anything.

DOUG: The Salty Dog.

JENNI: We were just at the Salty Dog.

DOUG: It's Omar's birthday.

JENNI: It is not Omar's birthday.

DOUG: It might be.

[Hudson attempts to move to the second question. Nobody listens.]

JENNI: Fine. But Susan's coming, and we're drinking our wine.

HUDSON: Can the moderator have some of the wine?

JENNI: No.

[Debate ends. Both candidates declare victory. They leave for the Salty Dog.]

Fact check

An independent review by Hudson Lindenberger, who also runs the campaign.

Doug and Jenni are running for office.PANTS ON FIRE
Doug and Jenni know everyone at the Salty Dog.DISTURBINGLY TRUE
Tyler regrets inviting them to his wedding.CONFIRMED BY TYLER
It is Omar's birthday.ALMOST CERTAINLY FALSE
You can have some of Jenni's wine.FALSE
The campaign raised $0.CERTIFIED TRUE

The coasters

Six designs, distributed at Field Offices #1 and #2. Tap a coaster to flip it over.

The ads

Now airing on WSAV, in rotation, for no reason. Use Next ad and Previous ad to flip through all six.

ON AIR

Remember the Names

30 sec

Airs the week after Election Day, while everyone is still recovering from real attack ads.

Grainy black-and-white. Doug and Jenni pedal beach cruisers in slow motion under Spanish moss.NARRATOR: "In a time of uncertainty, the Lowcountry needs leaders who will stand for... something."
The candidates at a bar, slowly raising drinks in unison.NARRATOR: "They've never been to a council meeting. They don't know what a millage rate is. And frankly, neither do you."
Hudson in the background on a phone, visibly panicking.NARRATOR: "Their campaign is run by professionals. Mostly."
Close on Jenni.JENNI: "We're not on the ballot." DOUG: "Look under your drink."
Text on screen: DougAndJenniForNothing.comVO: "Paid for by Doug & Jenni, for no reason."

Mid-November. The Salty Dog spot.

Doug and Jenni walk into the Salty Dog. Every staff member turns and waves.NARRATOR: "Some candidates know the issues. Doug and Jenni know the staff."
Doug points across the room and screams.DOUG: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OMAR!"
Omar, on the floor, laughing.NARRATOR: "It is not Omar's birthday. It has never been Omar's birthday."
Tyler, in a suit, staring into the middle distance.NARRATOR: "Tyler invited them to his wedding. Tyler has questions."
Jenni pours from a bottle with no label. A customer reaches for it. She pulls it away.NARRATOR: "Doug and Jenni. Not for everyone. Neither is the wine."
Text on screen: DougAndJenniForNothing.comVO: "Paid for by Doug & Jenni, for no reason."

Rotates in late November. The Fat Baby spot.

Close-up of a phone. Texts from Marcella appear one at a time.TEXT: "I have your sunnies!" "You forgot your mail!!!!" "You left your credit card!!! I'm dying lmao"
Doug, at the Fat Baby bar, patting his pockets.NARRATOR: "Doug and Jenni. They leave everything at the bar. Except you."
Text on screen: DougAndJenniForNothing.comVO: "Paid for by Doug & Jenni, for no reason."

Early December. Breaking-news style.

Red BREAKING NEWS banner. Dramatic music sting.ANCHOR (Hudson): "Shocking new details tonight from the Doug and Jenni campaign."
Blurry photo of Doug holding a glass of water.ANCHOR: "Sources confirm the candidate was seen ordering a water. At a bar."
Jenni at a podium, unbothered.JENNI: "It was a chaser. I stand by my husband."
Matt behind her, holding a calculator, nodding gravely.ANCHOR: "The Finance Chair says the water was free, which is consistent with the campaign's budget."
Text on screen: DougAndJenniForNothing.comVO: "Paid for by Doug & Jenni, for no reason."

Mid-December. Matt's solo spot.

Matt at a desk, suit and tie, in front of a chart that is a flat line.MATT: "As a licensed financial professional, I can confirm the campaign has raised zero dollars."
Slow zoom on the flat line.MATT: "That's flat. But it's stable. Past performance is exactly the same as future performance."
Text on screen: DougAndJenniForNothing.comVO: "Paid for by Doug & Jenni, for no reason."

January, while the candidates are in New Zealand.

A podium in a restaurant bar. Sad balloons. A few supporters holding coasters.DOUG: "Friends. Supporters. Bartenders."
Jenni steps up, dabbing an eye.JENNI: "We fought hard. We fought for nothing. And we got it."
Hudson tears up polling papers and throws them like confetti.DOUG: "We'll be back. We don't know for what. But we'll be back."
Cut to a beach in New Zealand. Two empty chairs.NARRATOR: "The candidates could not be reached for comment. They are in another hemisphere."
Text on screen: DougAndJenniForNothing.comVO: "Paid for by Doug & Jenni, for no reason."

Endorsements

Support is pouring in from people who have met them, mostly at two restaurants.

"Is it my birthday? He says it is."

Omar

"I invited them to my wedding. I would like to take that back."

Tyler

"Great candidates. Great car."

Name withheld at the recipient's request

"I endorse Jenni. I do not endorse sharing the wine."

Susan Plumber

"They're a hot mess. I'm a hot mess. I endorse this mess."

Marcella, Fat Baby

"Five stars. Would not vote again."

Hudson Lindenberger, travel writer

"Who?"

Most of Savannah

Campaign staff

A campaign for nothing deserves the best people money can't buy.

Hudson Lindenberger

Campaign Manager, Debate Moderator, and Fact Checker

Hudson files travel dispatches from the campaign trail, which so far runs between the candidates' house and two restaurants. He has not been offered any of the wine.

Matt Hunt

Finance Chair

A licensed financial professional who can confirm, with total sincerity, that the campaign has raised exactly $0.

Susan Plumber

Director of Wine Policy

Co-holder of the private reserve. Will not be taking questions.

Marcella

Director of Lost and Found

Maintains the campaign's official evidence drawer at Fat Baby. Communicates exclusively by text.

Promises kept

Unlike other campaigns, Doug and Jenni have kept every promise they have made.

Volunteer

Join the campaign. No experience needed. No experience will be gained.

Before you go: will you chip in $0 to fight for nothing?

Doug and Jenni are counting on supporters like you. Our Finance Chair says we are exactly on target.